And So I Wait

AND SO I WAIT

It seems I have spent most of my life waiting. Waiting for someone. Waiting for something. Waiting for a sign. Waiting for an opportunity. Waiting for approval. Waiting for love. I suppose we all have, to some extent. We spend an average of 3-5 years of our lives just waiting, in the doctor’s office, in the line in stores, etc. But I have realized something. If you wait too long for things, your life starts to pass you by. Life is a precious gift and so is time, neither of which should be wasted, so I ask myself then why have I, throughout my life, allowed myself to waste precious time just waiting? Good things might come to those

who wait….but shouldn’t there be some kind of limit to just how much waiting you have to do?

When I was a kid I waited for simple things, like for Christmas, for my favorite TV show to come on, for the one night a week that I could stay up late, for my birthday to come so I could get that Barbie doll that I wanted so badly,  for summer vacation to come, and I waited for the circus to come to town (even though I hate clowns). In the innocence of childhood we wait for such basic and sweet things and because our concept of time at that age is that it is never ending, we feel like these waiting periods are eternities when in actuality they might just be a few hours or days. But as we grow up we start to embrace the true concept of just what time is and it’s value, and how it can easily just slip past us if we let it.

As I grew into a teenager and a young adult, I still found myself waiting but this time it was for bigger things. I was an overweight, ugly duckling of a teenager and a young adult. This was a very sad and lonely time for me, a hopeless time for me, if you want to put it that way. A time that I spent waiting. Waiting to have someone notice me. Waiting (and hoping) someone would take a look at what was lying just beneath the surface of my appearance. Waiting for the day to come that I might not hurt as much inside as I did.  Waiting for the day that I didn’t hate what I saw everytime I looked in the mirror. Waiting for the day that maybe I would be cut a break and I would be given the chance for my outside to reflect what was inside of my heart and soul. Waiting for the loneliness to end. Waiting for a life that I only daydreamed about and wondering if it would ever happen. Then one day, my waiting paid off. As time often does, it wove it’s tapestry ever so slowly and carefully and then FINALLY my waiting was over, at least as far as my appearance went. But with most things, there came a catch with it……more waiting of a different kind this time.

Now my waiting took on yet ANOTHER dimension. Now I waited for someone to ask me out. I waited for someone to call me. I waited for someone to notice me for more than not just how I looked like on the outside but for how I was on the inside, too, (now there was a twist). I waited (and wished) for someone to tell me I was beautiful. I waited (and wished) for someone to tell me that they loved me. I waited (and wished) for someone….. to just want me. Well eventually my waiting actually paid off for this as well, and I finally had someone to call my own. Now was the time for a relationship, or relationships, to enter my life from these years on forward……but they were to bring me yet more waiting.

Now I wait for appreciation and recognition of the love, care and thoughtfulness that I give freely and willingly. I wait to hear that someone could not imagine a life without me by their side as their partner forever. I wait to perhaps be deemed “worthy” one day for someone to want to make a lifetime commitment to me to ensure this happens. I wait for someone to want to hold my hand through the sunset of our years together and promise to never let it, or me, go. I wait for a future that I have absolutely no clue of what I’m in store for.

And so I just wait…..and wait…..and wait. But you know something?

SCREW THIS!

Through all these years of what seems like endless waiting I have AT LAST realized something. The only one who wont make me wait for any of these things anymore is one person and one person only…..ME. I am the only one that I know I can depend on 100%.  Love for myself is a love I can rely on, one that I have neglected for FAR too long, one that is always appreciated and reciprocated, and one that wont make me wait.  This is a VERY new concept for me and one that I think will take some time for me to try and get used to but you know what? I think I’m worth it. I’ve grown tired and weary from all of the waiting.

And so now I will wait…for my life and my own happiness……no more.

Copyright August 05, 2011

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